John Mayer has been nailing Jessica Simpson

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Ugh. This report might have pushed John Mayer over the edge from “douche” to “sociopath”. Who grabs girls and tells them “You’re property of John Mayer”? What guy gets turned on by humiliating women? What guy is so content to play these little “I-want-you-no-I-don’t” games for years? What guy swoops in on a really vulnerable girl and seduces her right after she’s been dumped? But we’re supposed to think he’s cute, right? Gross, gross, gross.

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Call me crazy, but I’m starting to think John Mayer has been nailing Jessica Simpson ever since Tony Romo dumped her. The most important evidence has been staring us in the face this whole time - namely, that John Mayer hasn’t issued one word, one denial, one confirmation, one peep about Jessica since she and Tony split. This from a guy who can’t take a dump without tweeting the size and color, so you know Jessica didn’t just slip his mind. Jessica is totally having rebound sex with John, and John is feeling a mixture of shame, pleasure, pity and lust. Thus, he’s been keeping quiet.

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Mayer was in the news this week for two reasons - first, the rumor exploded that he had been quietly hooking up with reality star Kristin Cavallari. John denied this within a day, dusting off his keyboard to “amuse” us with this: “How do I put this like a gentleman…I have never high fived Kristin Cavallari with my pen*s.” Stay classy. That report came out the same day as In Touch Weekly’s cover story “Jessica Simpson’s Desperate Hookup”… with John. Not one word about it from John. So let’s just take every word of the full cover story as gospel, shall we?